Saturday, July 13, 2013

LOLA's 3rd Death Anniversary

Gone but never forgotten.
She died days after I took the Nursing board exam and before the results were released. I just can't imagine how I've gone through that days.
First week of July 2010, I was anxious about the nursing licensure exam. Day after exam, July 5, I kept insisting on going to Nueva Ecija because I want to relax and visit my Lola Es. Mom and dad was busy and they won't let me commute. July 7, we got a call informing us that Lola can't sit on her bed, let alone stand. They also said that Lola can't eat, vomited blood and has been lying on the bed all day. We arrived there July 8, and when I checked on Lola, she was already stuporous. That prompted us to bring her to the hospital. She didn't get any better and no doctor can tell us what was happening to her. I was so clueless about her condition that I don't want to leave her side thinking of the worst thing that could happen while I'm away. I was praying every chance I'd get, hoping it'll make her better. 

Days passed and she still hasn't open her eyes or respond to anyone. But I still talk to her telling her that she needs to get better so she can congratulate me for passing the board exam when the results come out. I was also talking to her about how the student nurses are explaining to me what my Lola's medication are for. I also described to her the student nurses' facial expression when Mom said that we are both nurses. 

July 10, 3am. I was awake (I let mom take a nap because we take turns in monitoring Lola) because I'm admiring my lola and reminising how she talks to me as a visitor because she can't remember anyone of us. And how she loves biscuits and would always keep one in her pocket wrapped in a hanky. And how she look at the clock and say "magluto na kayo at kakain na tayo." And how she doesn't mind if I sleep beside her and hug her. I was still praying that she'll get better even in the back of my mind I know that she's deteriorating. When suddenly her breath become labored and her O2 sat is fluctuating. I called the nurse on duty and requested for a doctor. BP palpatory, weak pulse and irregular breathing. They brought her to the ICU, I requested to be by her side and was telling the nurses that I know what I'm doing and I can be of help. Of course I know, it's not possible but I hoped that they'll let me in to be with my Lola.

I went back to the room to pray. I actually don't know what to ask God that time. I was praying that she needs to get better, if not, I'm ready to let go for I know she'll be in a better place than here. 2 hours later, they told us Lola's gone and we could see her. I was mad at them for not letting me inside the ICU at the time Lola was suffering, but as a nurse I know they're just doing their job. The feeling of my Lola's cold cheek next to mine was so heart breaking for me that I hugged her for as long as I'm allowed. "Lola, pahinga ka na ha. Sayang naman di mo na naabutan yung elease ng board exam results ko. Wag ka mag alala, pasado ako dun. I-hello mo na lang ako kay God. Ayaw ka na din siguro niya mahirapan kaya ka niya kinuha. Love you Lola Es."

3 years have passed and I can still clearly remember that week like it recently happened, and everytime I remember, I feel the pain as fresh as that day Lola left. This feeling makes me question EVERYTHING I know. LOLA ES, I MISS YOU SO BAD it hurts. ;(


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